I had a consultation with the plastic surgeon yesterday. He thoroughly explained the reconstruction process, which will begin with the surgery to remove my breasts. Because of chemo the best course of action for me is to have expanders placed and filled every two weeks with saline until the desired size is reached. The “fills” will begin two weeks after surgery. The downside is that I will have to stop the “fills” during chemo, which makes the process that much longer. I will also have to have three more procedures to complete the process. It’s going to be a long year!

I’ve joked that at least I’ll get a boob job out of this cancer situation, but to tell you the truth it’s not “just a boob job.” It’s more like an amputation. I’m 42 years old and single, so of course questions pop into my mind about body image and the future. I am trusting God to see me through this. I’ve had several people tell me depression is coming, but I hope they are wrong. I’m praying that as long as I focus on the Lord, He will keep the depression away. (so far, so good!)

In order to focus more on Him, tonight I am meditating on 1 Corinthians 13.

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

As I read and re-read this scripture, I can’t help but thank the Father for His great love…Thank Him for being a God of love and for loving me when I fail…Thank Him for never giving up on me. I also realize how selfish I am when it comes to love, looking only inward instead of outward. I am praying for the Father to continue opening my eyes, both physically and spiritually, to love…His amazing love as well as the love around me.

I cannot thank Him enough for the encouraging love that I have received from a host of friends. Their words of comfort and strength have helped me through the last few weeks. I want to be more like them and share His love with everyone I meet. As I travel this “Glory Walk” (as a friend calls it), I pray the Lord will let my eyes be open to see His love and to spread His love to others.

If you are going through a particularly trying situation, I urge you to seek God’s love for you by opening God’s Word. It will lift you up and give you the strength to overcome doubt and anxiety. Just reading God’s Word helps me to calm down and see things through His eyes and not my own.

As I wait for the doctors to schedule the surgery, I pray that the Lord will strengthen me. I am not a patient person, but I know that the Lord has a perfect plan and His timing is perfect. I continue to thank Him for His faithfulness.

I know that God has this!

Prayer Points for Today

• Surgery date (sooner rather than later)
• Continued wisdom
• Strength to stay connected to the Father
• Courage for the journey

What exactly is TNBC? In search of this answer, I went to Google like I normally do and I found a very informative website…Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation.

Here is the definition of TNBC from their website:

It is now commonly understood that breast cancer is not one form of cancer, but many different “subtypes” of cancer. These subtypes of breast cancer are generally diagnosed based upon the presence, or lack of, three “receptors” known to fuel most breast cancers: estrogen receptors, progesterone receptors and human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). The most successful treatments for breast cancer target these receptors.

Unfortunately, none of these receptors are found in women with triple negative breast cancer. In other words, a triple negative breast cancer diagnosis means that the offending tumor is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2-negative, thus giving rise to the name “triple negative breast cancer.” On a positive note, this type of breast cancer is typically responsive to chemotherapy. Because of its triple negative status, however, triple negative tumors generally do not respond to receptor targeted treatments. Depending on the stage of its diagnosis, triple negative breast cancer can be particularly aggressive, and more likely to recur than other subtypes of breast cancer.

There are several words that jump out at me as I read this and other articles about TNBC. It is very aggressive and the recurrence rate is high within the first 2-5 years. However, after 5 years, the recurrence rate drops off dramatically. Did you know that this type of cancer only affects 10-20% of breast cancer patients? I guess I hit the jackpot. I had to stop reading about it because it makes me anxious. When you start talking about survival rates and recurrence rates, it can be a whole lot scary.

What happened to the tumor being below 2 cm and just having a lumpectomy with radiation? I am now facing a double mastectomy followed by chemotherapy. When I talked with the doctor about the recurrence, she said it didn’t matter if I chose the lumpectomy, mastectomy or double mastectomy. The survival rates would be the same. I never thought at 42, I would be talking about survival rates. I am going to fight this with all that I have…no, I am going to let the Lord fight this battle (Exodus 14:14).

That is why I have been fervently praying for wisdom these last 2 days. Asking God to show me what to do, because I honestly don’t know which way to go. Do I want to do radiation and chemotherapy with just a lumpectomy? Do I just have a mastectomy and pray it doesn’t recur in the other breast? Do I go ahead and have the double mastectomy for protection? As I prayed about this last night, I finally said to God, “You are going to have to tell me what to do?” and you know what…He did! When I got up this morning, I had a peace that really passes all understanding come over me. I knew without a doubt the best decision for me, no matter what the DNA test said, was a double mastectomy. I don’t want to have to worry every 6 months when I have to have another mammogram or MRI to see if it has returned. God’s peace came over me like a blanket and now that the decision has been made, I can give this journey to the Lord.

He has this!

Even though I didn’t get the news I hoped for today, Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds me that God’s love, faithfulness and mercy never end! Holding strong to these promises.

I don’t even know where to begin…I’m numb, shocked, scared, and surprisingly at peace. The doctor dropped a bombshell today…I have Triple Negative Breast Cancer, a very aggressive breast cancer. They rate tumors on a scale of 1 to 3…mine was a 3. I am praising the Lord that is only Stage 1 because the tumor is less than 2 cm and it has not spread, but I have a lot of decisions to make and I am praying for wisdom.

My options at this point include chemotherapy and surgery. Since the tumor is small, I will have surgery first. My surgical options include lumpectomy, mastectomy or double mastectomy. When the doctor writes that there is a survival benefit in having a double mastectomy, you pay attention. I have a lot of thinking and praying to do. The doctor ordered a DNA test to see if I have the mutated BRCA 1 or 2 gene. If that comes back positive, then there is no question about the double mastectomy. I also have an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. Wow! This is all a little surreal.

My human side wants to freak out. I mean really freak out! My mind is whirling with questions that I don’t know how to answer. I’m a planner by nature and I like to be in control of things and this is not something I can control or plan. How do you schedule cancer? I would like to be petulant child right now and scream “I don’t want to.” But, here we are and I am trusting that the Lord will give me strength and courage to get through this journey with TNBC.

The Lord has been so faithful. My goal is focus on Him rather than the circumstances. He is in control, not me. Already this journey has drawn me closer to Him ad for that I am thankful.

Prayer Points for Today…

• Wisdom
• Strength and Courage
• God’s Will to be done

It’s Valentine’s Day and I am thanking God for His amazing love and faithfulness.

I had my first MRI today. Like the biopsy, I built it up in my mind and expected the worst. (I really need to work on that.) The Lord was with me and helped me through it. Reciting scripture really helped. I focused on Psalm 56:3…”When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” As I lay there on what was essentially a tire ramp for 20 minutes, I said this verse over and over. It helped me focus on the Lord instead of the clanging of the MRI machine. I am so thankful that the Lord calmed me and eased my fears.

The biggest praise was when the doctor called and said that the small tumor was contained. It has not spread to the lymph nodes. PRAISE THE LORD!!! I am trusting the Lord for treatment. While I want it to be simple, I will trust the God’s plan.

I am in the middle of a discipleship class where we are looking deeper into the life of Esther. One of our assignments is to get alone with God and really purify our hearts. That is what I want through this journey…a pure heart so that I will be in the very presence of the Lord.

Prayer Points for Today…

• Strength for this journey
• My doctor’s appointment on Thursday
• Wisdom to make the right decisions

It’s been a week since the routine mammogram was not quite routine. I am so blessed by the numbers of people who are praying for me. It is truly a humbling experience and I can never adequately thank them for their friendship and prayers. All I can do is continue to trust in the Lord and let Him have all the glory in this journey.

In the beginning, I called this a detour, but it’s not really. My path changed, but I can never go back to the original path. This has and will continue to change me. Hopefully leaving me better than the original path I was on.

I had some wonderful friends ask if they could pray over me. What a special time! One of them told me that God was leading her to anoint me with oil. I had never seen that done and was a little afraid of it, but I knew that I didn’t want to hinder God’s prompting in any way. It was truly one of the most humbling and unique experiences that I have ever had. There is no describing what it feels like to have someone read scripture and pray over you. It was beautiful and I thank God everyday for these friends.

We focused on the Mark 5:34 passage…”Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Wow…”your faith has healed you!” I am praying that my faith will endure, that God will give me the strength and grace I need to be a living testimony for Him.

Throughout the past week, this is what I know…that God is REAL and He has NEVER LET ME GO. I am clinging to those promises.

God’s Got This!

I am holding to the promises of God that He will see me through this.

I received a text from a friend..”Praying God of Peace, Your Healer over you today!” She went on to say that she was standing in faith that God will get a witness out of me on this journey. I know that God has strategically placed people in my life for this time. I pray that I will be a witness for Him and not let my fears overtake my faith. I don’t want to miss this opportunity to shine for the Lord. He is my strength!

Scripture that I am clinging to…

1. Mark 5:34 – He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
2. Isaiah 43:12 – “I have revealed and saved and proclaimed…I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.”
3. Isaiah 43:2 – When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.
4. Psalm 55:22 – Cast your cares upon the Lord, He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
5. Romans 8:18 – The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.
6. Philippians 1:6 – And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
7. Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and courageous…it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
8. 2 Corinthians 1:3 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction.

God has this!

My cancer diagnosis came in today. The tumor is indeed cancerous, but the doctor said that it is treatable because we caught it in time. I thought I was prepared to hear it, but I have to admit that I am a little frightened. I am a planner by nature and this was not in the plans. I feel like I’m trying to pull myself through a Class 4 rapid without a paddle. I don’t know how to schedule cancer on my already busy schedule of work and taking care of my family.

The hardest part of the day was telling my family and friends. My dad has been my rock and is so supportive. My brothers, who are both traveling this week, were upset because I hadn’t told them about any of it. I love them so much and I just didn’t want them to worry.

I have an MRI scheduled for Tuesday and then I will meet with Dr. Pamela Strickland on Thursday to find out what we are really looking forward to.

Prayer points at this point…

• For the MRI to show the cancer is contained
• That the treatment will be minimal
• For my family

I am so thankful for the many people who are praying for me. It’s a humbling experience. I know in my heart that God has this and I just need to trust Him!

The biopsy was not as bad as I feared. I really blew it up in my mind and the Lord once again showed me that my fears are just that…false expectations appearing real.

The doctor wouldn’t say what she thought it was, only that it could go either way. I do know that it is not a cyst. I am relieved that it is over. I have a peace knowing that it is probably cancer, but I won’t know for sure until tomorrow. Always waiting…

Yesterday, I went in for my yearly, routine mammogram. I made the appointment on Thursday and was surprised when they said they had a couple of appointments available yesterday. I thought, “Great! I can get this over with and not have to schedule it around work!” Little did I know that the appointment would change my life.

If you have every had a mammogram you know that sitting in that little room in the “robe” is nerve-wracking. You keep waiting for them to come and tell you all is well and you don’t have to come back until next year. Except I knew I probably wouldn’t hear those words. I saw the tumor on the mammogram screen. It was an oval-shaped, white blob at the bottom of my right breast. As soon as I saw it, I immediately dismissed it. I thought to myself, “It’s nothing, just a cyst or calcification.”

So there I am sitting in the small dressing room waiting for the nurse to tell me I can go and trying not to be nervous because of the blob. I was thinking about all the things I wanted to look for at the new Hobby Lobby in EastChase. I was ready to forget about work and get lost in the numerous aisles of crafting. In the middle of making my list, the technician opened the door and said they needed to do an ultrasound to look further at the blob. Let’s just say at that moment all thoughts of crafting immediately ceased and I became nervous. I really thought this can’t be happening, but knew that it was.

As I lay in the dark utrasound room waiting on the technician to get the doctor, I had a strange peace come over me and knew it was from the Lord. He was right there with me when the doctor said that the lump she had looked at closer with an ultrasound, now needed to be looked at even closer with a needle biopsy. I’m not gonna lie, I freaked a little at that point. I really don’t like needles and the thought of a biopsy sent me over the edge.

As I dressed and waited for the scheduling nurse to set the biopsy, I wondered how and when to tell my family and friends. Do I tell them before the biopsy results or after? Thanks to insurance, I had to wait until Tuesday for the biopsy and I knew it would be a long weekend. I also knew I needed support so as I was heading to my car, I dialed a friend. When she answered I said, “You are not going to believe this…”

You see, a co-worker was diagnosed with breast cancer only a few weeks ago and she is in the middle of making decisions and navigating all the doctors appointments that come with a breast cancer diagnosis. I really thought this couldn’t be happening to both of us. I mean our offices are right next to each other. What are the odds?

As I talked to my friend, she was just what I needed, calm and the voice of reason. She reiterated that it could be nothing and not to borrow trouble before I knew something definite. I still couldn’t turn my thoughts off, when I got home my mind was racing with all the different scenarios of what if it is cancer and what would I do. I thought back over to the very surreal afternoon and I began to pray.

I prayed fervently that it would be a benign cyst and not cancer, but I also prayed for strength and the ability to lean on and trust God if I had to walk through this valley.

I told my dad this morning. He was going to come on Tuesday to help me put my Christmas decorations back in the attic. I knew I wouldn’t be able to lift anything after the biopsy, so I had to let him know. He was supportive and asked if I wanted him to go with me. I love my dad. He is an amazing man and I’m not sure where I would be without him.

I am trying not to think about the biopsy on Tuesday and what the results could mean. I am focusing on the Lord and His amazing faithfulness. I know that He holds my hand and that He’s got this no matter the results.